Prayer for the Battle-Weary Soldier

Dear Lord,

I’m tired.

My heart is restless, and my spirit is weary. My eyes feel heavy, and my head is threatening to shut down. Every where around me, there are dragons breathing fire down my neck, and there are black knights pointing sharp swords at my heart. I’m very, very tired.

Every time I take one step forward, I get pushed three steps back. I feel as if I’m clawing on rocky mountains, my hands are bleeding, and sometimes, I feel as I don’t have anything to hold on to anymore.

I’m really, really tired, and I’m really, really scared.

I’m scared that one day, the dragons will take everything away. Everything I’ve worked hard for, everything I’m fighting for– one powerful breath of fire, and all will be gone. I’m saying this because I know that there are things much more powerful than I am, and they can beat me anytime. I have no grand illusions of being invincible, because I know I’m not. I’m just another battered and weary soldier, trying very hard to fight and protect everything she holds dear. I’m admitting this, because sometimes, you have to acknowledge those dragons and their power, in order for you to know and truly understand what you’re fighting against.

Sometimes, you have to face those fears, in order for you to remember what you’re fighting so desperately for.

I fear those dragons, My Lord. I fear that I am but one girl, with not enough strength and power to overcome them. I don’t even want to defeat them, or to vanquish them, because to do so would mean to tamper with the natural order of things. I have it in me to accept that dragons aren’t always evil; they are just /there/. Existing among us mere mortals. What I want is for the entire universe to know that I, a mere slip of a girl, am worthy enough to co-exist among those -and any other- marvelous creatures. I just want to prove my worth, but it’s getting more and more difficult for me to make them understand.

Oh, how I used to be arrogant. How I used to see myself as someone powerful enough to vanquish all evils, and to overcome all obstacles. I used to think that my strength is my own, and that no one and nothing can defeat me. How wrong I was. How very, very wrong. Getting knocked down many times over is both humbling and gratifying, because I realized that it is during moments of weakness and defeat that you realize how strong you can be… how strong you truly are.

I am not afraid of loss, or defeat. I know that so long as I draw breath, I can live to lift my sword and fight another battle.

I am not afraid of fear. It is when I look at it in the eye that I would be able to draw enough strength to face it, to own it, and to overcome it. I am not afraid of loss, or defeat. These things are but a part of the grand journey called life, thrust upon us to make us stronger. The strongest swords are forged in the most powerful of flames.

I am not afraid of admitting that there are moments, though, where I fear I’d lose everything I hold dear. Losing dear ones are different from losing battles. With battles, you can live to fight another one. But dear ones… once gain, they are lost to you forever.

So you fight to keep them. You fight to keep them with you. You fight to not let the fear of losing them consume you, and destroy whatever borrowed moment you have together.

It is in acknowledging that one day everything might be taken from me, that I hold onto everything with fierce loyalty and love. It is in remembering what– and who– I hold dear, that I continue to fight.

Lord, by myself I have no power. By myself, I am just one girl. One battered soldier, trying to fend off the attacks sent to me by the world entire. With you, though, I know that I can do anything. With your grace, your guidance, and your love, I know that I can stand among kings and queens, and dragons and lords. Please acknowledge my weakness, my powerlessness, and lend me your strength. I only have one heart, but it is a heart that never loses hope and faith in you. I only have one mangled spirit, but it is a spirit that would keep on soaring, no matter how many times it gets its wings get torn off. I only have my will, but it is a will that shall never waver, for as long as I draw breath.

Lend me your strength, Lord. See me through this painful and difficult times. Take my bloody hand, and walk with me. Alone, I am a mere slip of a girl. With you by my side, I can be anything.

But before we stand up and walk and face those dragons, together Lord, stay here with me for a while. Because I am tired, and I am in pain, just let me sit with you for a moment. For now, Lord, while I wait for the tears to run dry, let me rest in the cradle of your loving arms. Let me be a mere slip of a girl– a tired, scared, crying little girl–, who is in need of her hero. I cry everything unto you, My Lord. Please receive my pain, my weariness, my sorrow, my fear, and my doubts. I’m scared. I’m tired. I’m weary.

Please hold me for a few moments, and allow me to gather the mangly pieces of my tattered soul.

And when all the tears have dried, and when my heart settles back into its normal beat, when my soul has been patched together, let’s move on.

Alone, I am one battered soldier, one girl. With you and your love, I know that I have the makings of a hero.

Let me be a hero, Lord, and make me remember that all the battles I will fight, I fight in your most glorious name. Take my heart, my will, my memory, my soul — all of it– and use it for your glory.

Thank you for allowing me this moment of reprieve. Thank you for letting me cry onto you.

I’m ready now.

I stand up, kiss your hand, lift my sword…

and FIGHT.

Your little girl and your valiant hero,
Karren