CLAIMING DESTINY: A Tale of Heartbreak, Loss, Going Down the DEEP END, and finally Climbing Back Up (A thank you note FOR ALL)

29 May 2011

The lights are out and my door is locked. In the background, a slow song keeps playing on a never-ending loop. Outside, rain patters softly on the rooftops, and the wind, ever present, breeze through the open blinds of my window and into my room before settling onto me.

I close my eyes and feel every beat my heart makes, and feeling no pain coursing through my veins, I smile.

Exactly one year ago, every beat pumped not blood, but riveting agony. Hot as fire and cold as ice, thousands of miniscule needles pierced through every inch of my body, and I can do nothing but curl up beneath the sheats in a futile attempt to ward off the pain.

My eyes were swollen, and tears couldn’t fall fast enough. I can make no sound, but for the nerve-wracking sobs that are too powerful to contain.

Has it been a year already? I wonder.

Three hundred and sixty five nights ago, I couldn’t begin to fathom how I’m ever going to get over the pain of losing someone whom I have entrusted my heart to, and now I am calmly recalling everything in peace. I can only be thankful that it only took me a year to mend my heart, when so many people take years before they can finally say that they are alright again.

Emily Dickinson says that after great pain, only a formal feeling comes. After the onslaught of sorrow and grief, when the heart settles, you will be left with only a comforting sense of peace settling within your very spirit. Tonight I pay tribute to all who has walked me with to this tranquil state– my family, my friends, my career, my students, the very person who made my heart beat and break, and finally, the God who has been ever present to heal what can otherwise never be healed by any mere mortal or circumstance.

Now I can finally tell the tale of everything that has transpired, and made me the person I am today– your relative, your friend, your colleague, your student, your mentor, your teacher.

A little over a year ago, I was fighting a losing battle. My relationship with almost everyone I held dear was rocky, to say the least.

I broke my mother’s heart because I chose Literature over her and the family business, and I was on the verge of losing the only person who I ever gave my heart to. I went to Baguio for the Literary Conference- heartbroken, jobless, with an ATM card that as already breaching the poverty line/maintaining balance.

May 21, 2010 – the first time I ever bought toothpaste for myself. For the lot of you people, it might be petty and even downright shallow for me to feel my poorest during that night, but I wasn’t only thinking of how financially poor I was. I lost my job– and I thought I lost my mother too along with it– when I decided to leave for Baguio. She has ALWAYS been there, even when I was earning on my own. That I broke her heart made me think that maybe I lost her, too, and that she wouldn’t be buying me toothpastes and soaps and clothes and food and ANYTHING anymore. (Yeah, I know I sound stupid, but cut me a little slack here.)

That night, as I was walking home with a tiny plastic bag containing the smallest tube of toothpaste and the smallest bar of body soap, with a cellphone that hasn’t been ringing because my ex and I were on ‘time-out’, I felt as if I had the most rotten life in the world.

On May 22 last year, I went up to Baguio with only a backpack of clothes on my back, a broken heart, and an uncertain future. The only thing that kept me going was the bottomless supply of strength that I own, and the fierce determination that I’m somehow going to make everything right.

Going to Bagiuo with friends and professors I haven’t seen for a long time felt like coming home. Baguio for me is magic. The bustling city amidst the clouds, this kingdom on top of a glorious mountain, never fails to keep the demons that has been plaguing me at bay. The fog that always descends to wrap the city in its embrace never fails to make me feel safe and at peace. My friends and I worked through hifaluting literary texts by day and cried over our lives’ woes by night. Together, we peeled open the wounds that hound our every waking thoughts, we bled together, and we tried to patch each other up as best as we could.

On the eve of May 28 last year, I greeted my mother a happy birthday, and then I realized that I have been stupid for even thinking that I lost her. When I heard her voice over the phone, I felt not hate, not resignation, not disappointment, but love. I knew that that though I have lost my boss and my job, I have not lost, nor will I ever come to lose, my mother.

On the final hours of May 28, I was celebrating the end of the Literary Conference with my friends and my professors. The night of merriment turned into a night of sorrow and grief, when finally, the relationship that I was trying so hard to save finally fell apart.

It was I who suggested to end it first, but when the reality of it finally sank in, being stabbed by a thousand spoons couldn’t have hurt more.

I barged out of the restaurant and away from the merry celebration. Outside in the empty street, under the light of the full moon, amidst the tall, swaying pine trees of Baguio, I finally released the tears and the anguish that came along with it. Whilst everyone was laughing and celebrating inside, I was outside, literally bawling my lungs out, paying no particular mind to anyone who might see me. That night, it was only me, my broken heart, and the future that has no ‘me and him’ with it. I was crying for everything I have lost, and everything I will never have because I lost the first person I ever gave my heart to.

On May 29, I told myself that one night is enough for me to mourn. As I sat alone in the back of the bus that would bring me home to Manila, I promised that the following days would be devoted to healing and making everything right for myself. As the mountains of Benguet disappeared behind the horizon, I stopped looking back and faced forward. I was never one to stay in a certain of being for a long period of time. Forward. My direction has always been forward. My resolve to make a better life for myself has never been so strong.

On June 3, I went through the doors of what is now my second home- the UST-AMV College of Accountancy- in hopes of entering the ranks of one of the country’s most prestigious universities. You all probably think that that was the start of my adventure in UST, but no. I wasn’t accepted during my first try. With a heavy heart, the woman who is now my beloved boss, mentor and ’Mama’, told me that I was not accepted, all because of the fact that I was alongside people who actually have MAs under their belt, and that I accidentally spoke in Filipino during my demo.

I thought I lost everything then. Losing my heart was one thing, but losing my dream is an entirely different thing altogether. My heart can always mend. Boyfriends come and go, but my dream– it has always been with me forever. It was something that I thought I would always have. When I lost my heart, I held onto the hopes that maybe my dream can help me cope with everything, but that rejection finally did it for me.

I ran over to Manila Bay, and there, I finally broke. My heart has already been shattered to pieces even before that night, but after that rejection, I felt everything in me break.

I broke.

Heart, soul, mind, spirit.

In front of the ocean, I came crawling to God, with nothing but a mangled spirit.

“Alam ko na kailangan mo akong wasakin para buuhin mo ako ulit,” I whispered to God, “pero gaano kawasak? Yarog-yarog na ako. Wala ka nang tinira.”

The wind kept on tossing the waves. The waves kept on breaking over the stones. The stones remained quiet and unmoving. So did God.

“Anong gusto mong mangyari sa akin?” I demanded of God, my voice raising without any particular thought to the people who might actually see me. “Anong ginawa ko sa iyo? Bakit mo ko sinasaktan ng ganito? Wala naman akong ginawang kasalananan. Ang salbahe mo naman. Aray.”

I kept on crying as I have never cried before. I thought I cried my hardest on the night of the 28th, but I was so wrong. Sobs wracked over my entire body, my breath came in short gasps, and it wasn’t long before I couldn’t get enough air in for me to breathe. I was breaking down, I was palpitating, and my closest friends can only watch as I lost myself to grief. I kept on whispering ‘aray’ over and over again, as if it was the only word that can explain everything I was feeling that time. I knew I was strong, and that I can weather any storm that God and all the powers of the universe can throw my way, but that night, I was simply, irrevocably broken, and damn anyone who tries to tell me that I cannot cry over it.

I know that I’ll be picking the pieces up the day after, but that night, I allowed myself to be weak, and to mourn over everything I have lost.

The night came and went. The sun still shone when I woke up the day after. The maid still cooked breakfast. My sisters still drooled on their beds. My mother still went to the office. My neighbors still went about their daily routines. The birds still chirped outside my window. The flowers still bloomed.

The world would not stop because I ‘broke’, and neither would I.

I stayed in bed the entire day, allowing myself to rest and regroup before I bounce back and take on whatever life has in store for me. It was late in the afternoon when suddenly, the phone rang. I paid no heed to it, because hello, grieving person here, and that’s what extension lines are for, but then my mother came barelling into my room, telling me to pick the damn phone because the call was for me.

It the same person who, just a day ago, sadly told me that I didn’t make it. She called again to tell me that they were giving me a second chance. I can remember that phone call in vivid detail, but the long and short of it was that I was to go to AMV again for another demo, this time for another subject. Never mind that it was a subject I don’t really thought much of. The important thing was that I was being given a second chance, and my mother outwardly declared that I would be a fool not to take it. She might not like me leaving the company for UST, but she would still support me, like she always does– and always will.

The rest was history after that second demo. I was accepted by my other boss, who is now my other dear mentor and my ’mommy’, and we forged a schedule that would allow me to both teach and still finish my MA. A few days after that, I was walking along the halls of AMV not as a student, not as an aspiring teacher, but as a faculty member. A few weeks after, I gained friends whom I now fondly call ‘sisters’, and a ‘nanay’ who would walk through hell for all of her ‘daughters’.

I had my dream. I had brilliant students who thought the world of me, and who I love with every fiber of my being. Friends whom I haven’t seen for a long time came forward and offered what comfort and joy they could. Friends who have always been there remained stalwart in their love and support. New friends came, and new bonds were forged that would prove to be as unbreakable as family ties itself.

Everything became ‘perfect’.

But how naive I was for even thinking that one night is enough. Hearts could never heal so swiftly. The mind could never forget so quickly. Memories that would rather be forgotten kept on surfacing, and feelings that would rather be ignored kept on knocking on the doors of my heart. It was difficult, but slowly from, I moved on. Many times over the coming months, I faltered. Blinded by promises and hopes of rebuilding what was lost, I kept coming back to the person who was hell bent on clinging to me, but would never let go of the other person he has found. Embittered and scorned, I found myself holding on and letting go on alternate occasions, until one day, enough was enough.

Finally letting go, I cut all my ties to the person who had so much power and hold over me, and just… walked away.

After everything that’s happened to me, I’ve learned that the best way to cope with loss is to not dwell on what you have lost, and turn your attention instead to what you have and what you are constantly gaining. The road to acceptance is treacherous, especially if you’re holding onto bitterness and pain, but if you manage to hold your head above it, I found out that you can really make it. There were times where I’d lose myself to bitterness, with only the injustice of it all dancing through and all over my mind.

How very unfair it was for me to be the one left standing alone, when I knew in my heart that I was the one who gave more– the one who loved more. Why was I left with no one and nothing, while the other was easy to find someone to share his new life with?

I found myself crying everyday, asking God, asking the angels, asking whoever it was in heaven who’d listen to me– why give him someone, and me no one?

“Ang daya mo talaga,” I cried one day. “Ako ang mas nagmahal. Ako ang mas nagbigay. Ako ang nagsuporta. Ako ang tumulong. Bilangan tayo, mas matimbang ang lahat ng binigay at ginawa ko. Pero ako ngayon ang walang minamahal, tapos siya, siya tong nanakit at nang-iwan sa ere, siya ang may kasama. Siya ang masaya. Madaya ka rin, eh.”

I held onto that bitter thought, until one day God had enough and told me He gave me EVERYTHING.

“Bakit?” answered God, “Siya ba may daan-daang estudyante na nagmamahal sa kanya? Siya ba binibigyan ng tiba-tibang surprise party tuwing Teachers’ Day at birthday niya? May tarpaulin ba siya tuwing Faculty Show? May /faculty show/ ba siya? Niyayakap ba siya ng maraming tao tuwing makakalubong siya tulad ng pagyakap sa iyo ng daan-daang bata na nakakasalubong mo sa skwelahan mo? Bilangan tayo, mas matimbang ang lahat ng meron ka ngayon. Ikaw ngayon ang may trabaho, may pera, may pamilya, may mga kaibigan, at may mga estudyante. Buang ka rin, eh.”

And suddenly, I knew that I had to stop counting the losses, and start cherishing the gains. I also knew that I should stop comparing about what he and I both have and don’t have. I finally accepted the fact that I lost him to someone else, and that he is finally happy and moving on, no matter how much he said he wanted me back.

It was finally time for me to let go.

To my dear friends and students, did you know that you have a large part in this? Do you even have any idea how much I love you, and how much I am thankful for the love that you continuously shower onto me? Do you even have any idea how thankful I am that I have you with me?

Am I even successful in expressing that love and gratitude?

Do you know that sometimes, at night, I would think of all of you, and I could only CRY because of the LOVE that I feel for all of you? My heart is filled with so much love and joy now, that sometimes I feel like I can’t take it in.

To my dear family, you have always been around for me. I know that I always have your love and support, and you know you have mine. Mama, I love you more than anyone in the world, and sometimes, I hate you more than anyone in the world, too. But when my life is over, and if someday in heaven, God will give me the chance to live again, I’d move hell and heaven just to make sure that YOU are going to be my mother again. I love you, and I will love you forever. Sisters, stay as adorably retarded as you always are. Relatives, YO. I love you. Ninang, I know that you are lying in your bed now, your mind and body slowly deteriorating because of the stroke that took most of you away, but know that I love you, and I wouldn’t be here without you. You have always been my champion, and know that I love you so much.

To my professors, past and present, you have lit the torch that I am now carrying within me. My the flame of my dream is brightly shining because you have ignited it. You have filled me with much knowledge and wisdom, and now I am trying to repay the debt by passing on the torch to my students. Thank you. Without you, I am nothing. Sir Ferdie, you’ve always taken care of me and my lot. I will never be scared of you now because I know that underneath all that spunk is a heart that would never run out of love for us. Sir Oca, do you know that your constant reminder of my brilliance as a student is much appreciated? Sometimes, I’d feel as if I don’t belong here, and I’d question my worth, but you would always swoop in and remind me of how great I am. Thank you for always lifting my spirit and my sense of worth. Do you know, Sir Oca and Sir Ferdie, that you are two of the main reasons why I am a teacher today? You have given me SO MUCH, and I cannot thought of any other way to give back than by honoring you and being even half as great mentors as you are. Ma’am Ricci, you are my beautiful, beautiful muse. I love you forever. I know we don’t meet all of the time, but know that you are one of the greatest people I’ve met. It is because of you that this hand keeps on writing, and this heart keeps on loving to write. I wish someday I’d be as great a poet/writer as you are. To all other professors, I love you so much just for being who you are. Inang, I know that you are always watching me from heaven. I hope one day, while you are sipping tea with Shakespeare and Wordsworth and Nick Joaquin and NVM Gonzalez and Ophelia Dimalanta and all the other literary tycoons, that you will proudly look down on me and boast to them — THAT’S KARREN RENZ SENA. THAT CREATURE WAS MY STUDENT, AND I AM DAMN PROUD OF THAT DONYA.

To my college friends, Kulto ni Bernarda Alba, I thought that once we left the walls of UST, we would also lose our friendship, but you proved me wrong. Even with the passing of time and the miles between us, you proved to be present and constant, and you never once made me feel as if I’ve lost you. Thank you for always believing in me, and trusting me. Thank you for reminding me of my strength, when I’ve forgotten how strong I can be. Thank you for always thinking how brilliant and good I am, especially during the times when I thought as if I’m always second best. I love you, and I am thankful for you, always. Sheng, you’ve always been my partner in crime. You’ve stood by me in the worst of times and the best of times. I told you before that I feel closest to God when I’m with you, and that hasn’t changed. I love you, and I hope you know that you are one of the best friends that I have.

To my best friends who have been with me since we were twelve years old– Buddy, Miko, Mitch, Totot, Mavic, and even Mayen, what can I say? I love you more and more each day, and you know that I would do anything for you. Thank you for always keeping me sane. I can’t imagine life without you, and I know in my heart that even if one day, we will all be scattered around the world, our hearts would keep us tethered to each other forever. I’ve always looked up to all of you, and you are the best friends that any one could ever possibly have. Miko and Mitch, I hope someday we’ll go forward with that Damned Five Year Plan, but while we’re still the Singles, let’s enjoy what we have. Tot, you’re getting married, damn you, but you’ll always be my birdie. Mavic and Mayen, know that I love you and you are constantly in my thoughts even if we don’t see each other much. Buddy, you know that you are one-half of my soul. I love you– sometimes more than I love myself and my mama– and you know that I will always stand by you. Heaven or hell, right or wrong, I will always, always be with you. I love you so much. Kuya Marc and Papa Mon, I love you both, as well. Thank you for taking care and for loving my best friends. Kuya Marc, we both know what you have done for me when the world was dark and my heart was broken– I love you and I’m thankful forever because of that. Papa Mon, the statue built in your honor for weathering Totot’s temper tantrums is in the making. Thank you for taking care of my beloved birdie, and for making her feel as if she is the world’s most precious treasure.

To the friends who don’t belong in any particular cluster, but are no less special and loved, thank you as well. Ate Jaymee Siao, who is the constant source of wisdom and knowledge and strength, and who valiantly fought off swarms of onlookers that night in Baguio when I was crying my heart out, thank you. I love you, Ate, and I am honored to have you as my sister and friend. Bosing, it has been years since we last saw each other, but when we rebuilt contact again, it felt as if we’ve still been friends forever. Thank you for your constant support not only for career, but also for my writing. I know that we don’t always meet, but still, you’ve done enough to show me how great a friend you are. Know that I am extremely happy for you and your beloved Mhean. Jeff, or Prep, or whatever the hell you want to be called, our friendship has always been retarded, but you were always there. For that, thank you.

To my new friends and colleagues at UST-AMV College of Accountancy, I love you so much. Nanay Ellen, Allan, Ate Dawn, Ate Mai, Puypuy, and Tintin Bunso, thank you for welcoming me into your fold, and for accepting me without question. Every day I thank God because just when I thought I wouldn’t have any more friends, you came along. The pain of going through heart break and separation has been easy because of you. You loved me unconditionally, even when you realized that I’m not as nice as I used to be, and that actually, I am a warfreak by nature and that I tend to raise hell when things don’t go my way (at least to credit card agents and waiters who take forever to bring our orders). You made staying at AMV a lot more meaningful and fun than I thought it would be, and please know that I will do anything and everything in my power to make you all happy. I love all of you so very much, and I hope you know that. You also taught me so many things, and I’ve become a better person because of you. Daddy Noble, Mama Luz, Mommy Bea, and Kuya Layug, thank you for always watching out for me. Mama Luz, I am honored to be called your daughter and to be a part of your team. Mommy Bea, you were the one who hired me and you welcomed me into your life and your college without any qualms. You and all of my other mothers and fathers always look out for me. Thank you, and I love you.

Mercado Family, know that even if things go awry and bad, even if we’re not together in the same college anymore, we would still be family, because our bond was forged by God and destiny, and NO MAN would ever be able to break it. Nothing’s ever gonna stop us. I love you all.

To my dear students, do you know that sometimes, while I was watching you answer your exams in silence– the only time I can stare at you for great lengths of time without you noticing– I would tear up, because I couldn’t quite believe how happy and honored I am to be given the chance to MEET you and BE WITH you?

You– ALL OF YOU– you are my dream.

Years ago, when everyone else is sleeping, I would stand up in front of a mirror and imagine myself inside a classroom, teaching a bunch of people the thing that I love most in the world– LITERATURE and ART. Nowadays, when I am faced with the reality that I’m teaching in front of a REAL CLASS and not a mirror, I can’t help but cry.

I cannot list your names down one by one, but you know who you are. I love you all so much, and I am forever honored to be called your teacher and mentor. Know that I will always be here for you, no matter where you are in this world. You have given me the privilege not only to be your teacher, but also your friend, your sister, your mother. You have taught me that I have the capacity to LOVE SO MANY without losing myself. I love you for everything you are, even if some of you don’t like me. The fact that we have crossed paths means so much to me. You taught much more than what I can ever teach you, and for that I’m forever thankful. If only I could hug you all one by one, I would.

I know that you will get older, and you will go further. I know that we won’t always be together, but that won’t stop me from loving you. I can only hope that you will carry a part of me the way I carry a part of all of you. Thank you all so much.

You, my students, and my career, are the proof that DREAMS COME TRUE. It took me many years, I broke many hearts, I got my heart broken countless of times, but I HELD ONTO MY DREAM. And now I’m living it.

To everyone, EVERYTHING is POSSIBLE when you put your ind and heart to it. Paolo Coelho once said that when you want something, the entire universe would conspire to make it yours. You only have to believe in that promise, believe in yourself, and believe in God, and everything will fall into place in its right time. Always move forward, and realize that change, no matter how frightening it could be, is always for the BETTER. LOSS is a part of change, and must be accepted, in order for us to finally see what we HAVE. Also, always be humble and grounded enough, and remember your roots no matter where you go and what you achieve.

Credentials and achievements do not make the entirety of a man; it is only his heart, his intentions, and his conscience that he will bring with him to heaven, so it would do all of us well to remain kind and loving, even if the world wouldn’t be.

If the world is filled with cruelty, do not be cruel. Be the source of kindness and love instead. A little compassion goes a long, long way. You may not notice it, but you change people with your love.

Yes, we may falter and fail, but we must always go back up. Life doesn’t have a reset button that instantly makes everything okay, but we can always move forward and make things right.

To the people whom I have forgotten, just because you are not in this message doesn’t mean I am less thankful of what you have given me.

To you, who made me feel as if I was the luckiest person alive, just because God gave you to me, thank you. There was a time where I once wished that God would make lots of duplicates of you, so that people would feel the happiness that I was feleing when you were loving me. The fact that God took you away and has given you to another sits well with me now. I understand now that people come and go- some would stay and some would leave- but no matter what happens, we get changed for good because of them. You came and you went, and I am stronger and wholer because of it. You taught me so much. How to love and how to hate; how to hold on and how to let go; how to fight, and how to lose. Thank you for stepping into my life, and for giving me the chance to love you. It is because of what we had that I became aware of how much I could love and how much I could give. It is because of what happened that I came to realize that I could love more and give more, because the heart is endless and loving and giving is limitless. Because of what happened, I found out that I will not lose myself just because I gave myself to people. It is because I treat myself with pride and respect, and because I love myself, that I can always jump back up even if I fall down. I hope you find happiness and contentment with your life, the way I found it in mine.

And finally, but most especially, TO GOD– my past, my present, my future. My eternity. Thank you for everything. I draw my strength from the promise that even if the world fails and leaves me, YOU will always be with me. It is because I have YOU, that I have EVERYTHING. I wish to remain your daughter and humble servant forever. I hope I have gotten the message across that you are the the most GLORIOUS, the HIGHEST, and the MOST ALMIGHTY in all the universe and beyond. My life would be spent in glorifying you, and in living my life in such a way that they will see even a bit of you in me.

Life has been so good to me. You have all given me so much and I can only ever hope that I can give back even half of what you have given me. This epicurean letter won’t really amount to much, but I hope that I was able to share a few lessons with you. We walk through life, and we give as much as we receive. We take a part of everyone we come across, and they too, take a part of us to bring with them. In the end, that’s what living is about, after all, isn’t it?

To live as best as you can, and to share this life with the people around you, as best as you can.

Thank you all for being a part of my life. It is my eternal honor that I am a part of yours.